No one said that turning into a butterfly was going to be pretty.
Transformation is painful. It’s often overwhelming, and I’m finding that a lot of times it feels like I’m falling apart. I know that spiritual, physical, and emotional evolution requires altering behaviors, habits, and sometimes moving past belief systems and relationships that no longer align with my purpose.
But knowing these things are necessary doesn’t make the process any less difficult.
Cultivating mindfulness and self-awareness isn’t a beautiful thing. It’s often pretty lonely. It’s staring mistakes, faults, and failures straight in the eye, and then making the decision to change.
I didn’t start this year with the intention to redirect and reroute. A lot of times, I feel like a victim of circumstance. Some days it feels like I don’t have any bridges left to burn. There has been a lot of hurting, an outpouring of tears, and many endings.
But with death comes rebirth, and destruction creates space to build.
I’ve asking myself the big questions:
Who am I?
What do I want?
What am I grateful for?
What is my dharma?
I’m exploring and evolving. It’s difficult to shake the guilt, anger, and grief, but I’m learning to move forward with more patience and forgiveness for myself. I’m finding diligence and courage that I wasn’t aware I was capable of.
And the future looks bright.
Even if I’m not the most fun and popular teacher. Even if not everyone likes me.
I’m learning to be okay with this process. And there is a certain sense of peacefulness that comes with admitting that: This is who I am right now. This is me.
As painful as it’s been, I know I am finding my way. And if I’m lucky, I’ll be able to hold some hands while others find theirs too.